Porn Industry Wants Government Bailout (Hard)

Finally, a bailout I can get behind (and in the front, and on the side. Oh yeah, I know how to do sex!)  Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and ‘Girls Gone Wild’ founder Joe Francis want $5 billion of Uncle Sam’s soon-to-be-useless dollars to bailout the “adult entertainment industry” (I’m pretty sure that means pornos), CNN reports.  ”Everyone and their mother want to be bailed out[,] from the banks to the big three,” Flynt spokesman Owen Moogan said. 

“With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind,” Flynt explained. “It’s time for congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly.”  Finally, someone is standing up for the perverts!

Joe the War Correspondent?

Joe and Barack share tips on removing poop from pipes.

In America, you can be anything you want as long as you fix toilets illegally and harass future presidents.  It’s what Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher did last fall and now he’s got a gig as a war correspondent in Israel for the conservative news website  pjtv.com.  Joe “The House Douche”—who said during the campaign that a vote for Obama was a vote for the death of Israel— will be covering the conflict from the Jewish country’s perspective.  He told WNWO in Toledo that he wants to let Israel’s “‘Average Joes’ share their story.” 

Joe “The Toolbag” also has a country music record deal in the works, according to rumors, which could be out as soon as the inauguration.  Boy, Joe “The Pipe Cleaner” really is just your totally average normal American.